The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
