$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
