I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
