I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
