omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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