She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
