I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
40s are totally the cure
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
