Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
