Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
