Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
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I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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