I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
