Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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