i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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