you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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