My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
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I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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