I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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