I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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