I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
