i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
