I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
