all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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