Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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