Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
