Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just blew my weed a kiss
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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