Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
