Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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