Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
