I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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