Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
