If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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