I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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