i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
