oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
