i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
