i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
