I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
