I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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