I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
