It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
