Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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