why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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