Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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