I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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