Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
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I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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