i need an iv and a liver transplant
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
