Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
