She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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