Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
my poor anus
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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