I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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