i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
birth control should be required to get into college
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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