He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
