no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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