Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
someone threw a dead crab at me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.