I wish I could punch you in the face.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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