Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos