All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night