R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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