just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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