its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
